Blight
by SasukeUchihaPHTanteiTrunkslove
Summary: Reupload of my old story, which was terrible. Extremely OOC story/parody where Sasuke is a runaway, Sakura has a crazy mother who believes in aliens, and there are inanimate objects that talk. Weird? They're both used to it, unfortunately. Sasu/Saku, though it's more implied. Rated for general insanity and weirdness.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:One of my very first stories is back! The name is Blight! Why? Because...I went through a number of names for this story when my crazy friend and I wrote this...yes, we are both crazy...first it was "Scary Ninjas" then it was simply "Sasuke" because face it, at the time we were both obsessed with Sasuke and wanted him to be the main character, not Naruto. So, we thought, why not create a series where Sasuke IS the main character? First, we tried to make it serious, but it eventually evolved into a parody and into a world of its own. So this fic is extremely OOC. Sasuke is more of a Deadpan Snarker and is more talkative-though he is still emo in his own way, he is just more cheerful, Sakura is still as sarcastic as she ever was, Naruto is dumb-yes, we hated Naruto at that age, and there are a ton of OC's we tossed in here-mostly animals. Enjoy the crack! Welcome to the world of Blight! Oh, and as for why everyone thinks Sasuke is dead, they just...assume that. Okay? AU as well...This story goes between comedy and drama...it's a dramedy.  
**

* * *

Chapter 1: The mysterious boy with black hair

It was a lovely day in the city, no town, no village of Konoha/Konohagakure/Leaf Village/whatever the hell it's called. No, this is not Mr. Roger's neighborhood. This is a story of ninjas, a story of love, of tragedy, of sickness, of plague, of pink-haired demons, of space pirates and inanimate talking objects. In other words, this village is..._crazy. _

The birds were chirping like always, the sun was shining, and all the girls in the village were happy, shallow caricatures except for one gloomy girl. Who was the unfortunate girl? Her name was Sakura Haruno, and she suffered from a most unusual affliction: jumpropeaphobia. Yes, she had a terrifying fear of jump ropes. They just reminded her so much of snakes, which she hated, and of cupcakes, which she hated also.

Said pinkette sighed as she sat in her bedroom, reading a manga. The story was a really weird, poorly written story about a group of weirdos and their adventures throughout their world. Sighing, she closed the book as she realized...that there was a knock at her door. No, a knock is not a type of animal.

The pinkette opened the door slowly, very, very afraid of what lurked behind that door, because behind that door lurked the foulest of monsters, the blackest of demons, and the darkest of...cliched adverbs that have nowhere else to go but in this very paragraph, so please overlook it and enjoy.

* * *

At that moment, the poor, unfortunate door was blown off the hinges by an enormous woman with long pink hair and a crazy glint in her eye. This was Sakura's mother, an attractive but sadly delusional woman who was obsessed with one thing and one thing only: **aliens. **

She believed the Third Hokage was an alien who came from outer space, believed her own daughter to be an alien, and constantly blew up things at her workplace because she decided that they were aliens in disguise when in reality they were just normal, rational people terrified of how insane she was.

Sakura wished her mother could see a therapist, but she had already seen four of them, all of which promptly quit after one session. Three had run out of the room screaming while the last one had never been seen alive again. Sakura had a strong suspicion that the poor woman was tied up in her basement somewhere, surviving on mold and rainwater. If that was so, she was probably dead. Poor thing.

"Sakura, I thought I saw an alien outside!"

Sakura sighed in frustration at how inane her mother could be at times. "No, mom, there are no such things as aliens! How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Her mother started to argue with her and then the argument intensified, to the point that a person outside could hear them as he walked in the pouring rain. No one else was around, and that was even better from his point of view.

* * *

His hair was midnight-black and it was dripping wet, much to his annoyance. Onyx eyes paused as he turned to regard the house in question before he raised a curious brow. "Should I...?" He stopped then and there as he stopped to think it over.

The young runaway had only been on the run for a month or so, but already he _knew_ better than to trust in any people or to stay anywhere for long periods of time. He had been lucky so far that no one had found him out. He was good at sneaking around and it was a good thing that he had dark hair-if he were to have bright-colored hair, it wouldn't have saved him from all of those close calls in the past.

He looked at the things he had with him as meager as they were...a few mementoes from his time with his family...his fists tightened slightly. "Well...I might as well sneak in the house for a bit." He thought and smirked.

* * *

Sakura sulked as she sat on her bed. "Why the heck did she have to ground me simply for mouthing off to her?"

Suddenly, her mother burst into the room. "You're giving this room to me!"

"No, you're not having it!" Sakura cried as she thrust her mother out and slammed the door in her face. "Good god, can't I ever talk to someone sane around here?"

She went into her bed and frowned as she went to sleep, desiring nothing more than a true companion. She didn't even notice the mysterious figure who crawled in as he smirked upon seeing the girl's prone form.

* * *

The next day, Sakura awoke bright and early. She got out of bed...only to realize she had stepped on something...soft. Freaked out by this, Sakura jumped back in alarm, but noticed that the person she had stepped on had messy black hair.

'A burglar? How the heck did he get in my house? I didn't even sense him last night!'

Panicking, she screamed, which woke up the black-haired boy. She noticed his eyes, which were the same color as his hair.

"Must you scream like that? It's most annoying." He said dully.


	2. Chapter 2 The Uchiha survivor

**A/N:Sorry for the wait. I see I still have no reviews...uwah, that makes me saddddd...**

**Chapter 2 The Uchiha Survivor**

* * *

Sakura stared at the black-haired boy in front of her for a few moments, before she reacted. "EEEEEK, BURGLAR! GET THE HECK OFF MY PORCH!"

She threw a book at the boy, who dodged it in mid-air. "What the hell was that for?" He cried in annoyance. Clearly, he didn't appreciate the thing she had nearly conked him on the head with.

"Who ARE you? What are you doing on my porch, you thief?"

The boy smirked. "Sorry. I am a thief, but I don't steal unless I have to. I can't tell you who I am...but I'm a runaway who needs a home. So when I saw a place out of the rain, can you blame me for sneaking in?"

His wet hair was dripping all over her floor.

"AHHH, NOOOO, DON'T GET THE FLOORBOARDS WET!" Sakura shrieked. "Go in my house and get a towel."

"But I don't even know where anything is." The boy protested.

"Fine. I'll give you the towel if you tell me your name."

"No." The boy shook his head.

"Why not? Why don't you want to tell me your name?"

"Just because," He said, "I'll only be staying here for a few days and then I'll leave. It's not like you'll miss me, anyway."

"Tell me your name, please?" Sakura pleaded.

He didn't turn to face her. "It's...Sasuke."

Her heart pounded in her chest for some reason. Vaguely, she wondered why on earth she felt this way for a stranger she'd just met. Suddenly, the door started to bang.

* * *

"Aw, crud, it's my mother, hide." She warned, but he was gone. 'Silent as a shadow.'

"Sakura, did you see the space pirate that was outside? I could've sworn he's followed us in here..."

"Mom, are you lucid for once?" Sakura asked, wondering why on earth her mother sounded more sane than usual.

"Do you want me to feed you to the sharks?"

Okay, that was a definite no, Sakura thought, and shivered. She really missed her dad. When he'd died, her mother had lost it. She tended to stay up late, dancing around a fire and making strange chanting noises, and then she had summoned all sorts of weird demons to their home...no, wait, that was a TV show she was talking about.

"Well, where is he?"

"There's no one here at all, Mom." She said before her eyes flitted around the porch. Wherever Sasuke was hiding, he was certainly good at it because she couldn't sense him anywhere, and so far he hadn't made any noise.

"By the way, alien, I saw a talking dinosaur on my way here."

* * *

"How insane _is_ she?" Sakura cried as she slammed the door shut...only to be face to face with a talking dinosaur. It was yellow-and green with sharp teeth...only it was attached to a leash. It was then that she realized it was a plastic toy, and the one holding it was Sasuke.

"Why the heck do you have a dinosaur toy?"

Sasuke looked offended. "He's not a toy. His name is Barry. Isn't that right, Barry?"

Then the demented thing actually talked, much to Sakura's horror. "Yeah, that's right. Why is the pinkhead so afraid of me?"

Sasuke nuzzled the thing. "Because she's an idiot."

Sakura had already passed out. Sasuke sighed and put the dinosaur away. "Better not tell her I was actually practicing my ventriloquism. She'll probably punch me."

His gaze went from the dinosaur toy to Sakura. Sighing, he picked up the girl and put her on her makeshift bed, making sure to tuck her in before he picked up his toy and moved himself over to the corner. He spread out his things, a few manga books, a journal, and some of his old toys from his house. Barry was one of them. His brother had given it to him...it had been back in the days when he had believed his brother to be a good person.

Before he had murdered his clan...his fists tightened, and his Sharingan activated, before he turned it off. He had no need of it now. After all, when the freaky girl woke up, she would probably overreact to it.

Before he knew it, he fell asleep.

* * *

"Rise and shine, Sakura-chan!"

A high voice reached Sasuke's ears. Frowning, the black-haired boy turned over, wondering who the heck had a voice as loud as nails on chalkboard.

"Oh, hi, Ino-pig." Sakura yawned and stretched. Her eyes flitted to where Sasuke was hidden, covered up by a blanket...no, he was hiding in a bin. She hit her forehead mentally at his poor disguise abilities and turned to meet Ino. "What do you want?"

"It's time for school. Is that your bin for school?"

"No, it's for my poisons. I keep snakes in there for experimental purposes."

Suddenly the box made a huge thud.

Ino raised an eyebrow. "I think I'd better go see what's in this "box" of yours."

"No, no, don't!"

Suddenly, a bunch of hideous earsplitting sounds came out from the box. Sakura realized that Sasuke was singing in his sleep.

"What is that? A banshee-singing snake? Get it out of here!" Ino wailed before she ran down the street, oblivious to Sakura's bewildered stare.

"I didn't know you couldn't sing, Sashimi."

"It's Sasuke." The box retorted before Sasuke poked his head out of it.

"Aren't you going to school?"

"Nope. I'm staying here." Sasuke said before smirking.


	3. Chapter 3 Sakura's torture begins

**A/N:Thank you for your review, Willowinthewind! This story will continue. Expect lots of references to other TV shows and anime. A few cameos will appear, too. **

**Chapter 3 Sakura's school days**

* * *

Sakura Haruno frowned as she walked beside her crazy friend Ino. Ino's mother was quite rich and ran a hotel and a pizza place. A lot of shinobi in Konoha liked their delicious food, but Sakura hated it because it had...cheese on it. Besides being afraid of jump ropes, she also hated cheese with a burning passion because when she was just a baby, her mother had found it funny to shove a pizza in her face when she had been sucking on her pacifier.

She had an allergic reaction to it. She had started to sneeze everywhere, and her mother was afraid to touch her ever since, considering her a space pirate satellite or a host for the aliens to use to land in.

Her mother was crazy. Guaranteed, she already knew that, but what else was new? Now she was trapped in the worst possible place imaginable, a place where children's minds are imprisoned and never set free, a place where their minds die and their teeth rot...school. Yes, no child had ever made it alive out of school without having their minds warped, their personalities forever scarred by the horrible things they did to them in school.

The worst part about school, Sakura thought, was that everyone knew she was the daughter of a space pirate freak and so they made fun of her. The only friend she had was Mrs. Bunny, her precious stuffed rabbit who usually rode with her in her red bookbag. She also brought along manga to read.

"Sakura-chan, do you think Mom'll sic me with tomatoes again? I mean, I hate them...here, you can have a whole bushel if you want!" She cried before dumping a bunch into Sakura's hands.

Sakura looked at her in bemusement. "What the hell do you expect me to do with these, grow them in your back garden?"

"Give them to my dog or something." Ino said as she suddenly ran on ahead...she had a bad habit of doing that, Sakura thought, and sighed. She wondered how the mysterious boy was doing back at her house...what was his name again...Sashay?

'No, Sasuke. What is he doing there?'

* * *

Sasuke was still in his box and he refused to come out until the coast was clear. He crept out silently, clutching some Detective Conan mangas in his hands. "All right...I can read my manga in peace out here." He stretched out and started to read one of them. Secretly, he was a big anime devotee. He had kept it a secret from his older brother, Itachi.

"Aha, so that's the culprit! Oh, come on, Conan, just tell her already!" He whined. "You could tell her where the remote went to and who the culprit is."

The phone rang with an ear-splitting shriek, which scared the heck out of poor Sasuke, so he darted behind the porch swing (a very CLEVER hiding place) and wielded his kunai. "Who's there?" He cried.

The phone continued to ring until Sasuke found the courage to answer it. "Hello?"

"Is this Sakura-chan's house?" An annoying voice said over the other end.

"Who the hell is this?" Sasuke said out loud.

"Who the hell is this dreamy, sexy voice I hear on the other end?" The voice said, "Tell me your name, Mr. Voice!"

"It's Batman," He said sarcastically.

"Lies, Batman doesn't sound this sexy."

"Batman is the best superhero in the world. What the hell's wrong with you!" Sasuke cried.

"He's ugly. That's why I hate him," The voice said simply, "Now tell me how old you are."

"Seven-er, Seventeen." He said, imitating his favorite detective. 'Hah, I can fool her into thinking I am someone else!'

"Who are you?" The girl sounded like she was practically in love with him now. Oh, god...what had he done?

"Anything else I need to know about you, mysterious creepy stalker who I shall now disconnect from the phone permanently-"

"Wait, tell me your nam-"

CRASH!

* * *

Sasuke slammed the phone down hard, so much so that cracks appeared on the sides of the wall. "Huh, probably shouldn't have slammed it that hard...oh, well. Now, back to reading my manga. Let's see when he tells her who he is. No, no, no, no,no! Don't spoil this chance!"

RING!

The phone rang yet again.

"Hello?" Sasuke said, more annoyed than ever with this turn of events.

"HERE'S JOHNNY!" A voice said.

"The person called Johnny cannot come to the phone right now."

"I'M HOME!"

"No, you are not home. Please check your immediate surroundings and try again," Sasuke said sarcastically.

"Dammit!"

"Were you perhaps looking for a movie scene?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes, those stupid directors told me I had to call people up on the phone and annoy them! When I get my hands on them, I'll hit them with my axe."

"IS your name Jack?" He asked in curiosity.

The line went dead.

"I'm going to disconnect this damned phone." He said as he started to pull out the cord. Unfortunately for him, the cord wouldn't budge. So, how exactly was he supposed to do this?

* * *

His friend Barry walked in. "Don't worry, Sasuke. I'll help you!"

"Thanks, Barry," Sasuke said as his dinosaur friend went right to work on the cords. Soon enough, the cord was disconnected.

"That's good. Peace and quiet." He said as he went back to his chair to relax. He continued to read his manga, only to blink in surprise as he heard a bazooka go off and the lights went out. "Great...the power went out!"

* * *

"MRS. HARUNO, GET OFF THE POWER LINES THIS INSTANT!" A voice cried.

Sasuke blinked as the lights went back on, then off, then on. He could hear talking outside. "Hmm...what's going on?"

"THERE ARE SPACE PIRATES AND ALIENS HERE IN THIS VILLAGE! THEY MUST ALL DIE!"

"Yes, we know already! Now get off." A neighbor groaned.

Sasuke sighed in disbelief. "Really now...this neighborhood is crazy."

Suddenly he heard someone falling off the roof and onto the ground. He frowned as he went over to examine the situation from the window and saw that a woman who looked a lot like Sakura had indeed fallen over. She got back up, groaning and pushing her glasses onto her face.

She was quite obese, he noticed.

"THE SPACE PIRATES HAVE ARRIVED!" She boomed.

"Sure they have. Now get back inside your house, you messed-up fruit loop." Someone said.

Sasuke instinctively hid as the woman came back inside her house.

"Whoops, gotta go to the wax museum! BYE, ALIENS!"

"That was...odd," Sasuke remarked.


End file.
